Time for a bit of fluff for the dog days of August. Did you catch the BIG NEWS story this week?
Holy Houdini! Robin’s gay. We’d all heard the rumors and speculation. For some, it even mattered.
But there’s more. Holy knit one, purl two! Robin’s going on a date with a guy named Bernard.
You missed out, Batman.
To be honest, I don’t know much about Batman and Robin. I saw a few episodes of the old TV show. I know the theme song. I’m familiar with Prince’s “Batdance,” which seems like a mistake in his music vault. (Listen and try to convince me I'm wrong.) I saw one of the movies in the mid-’90s with Kilmer or Keaton or Clooney playing Batman. I hated it. More special effects than plot. I’d rather have watched a documentary on bats. Or robins.
My favorite thing about the old “Batman” TV series was when Batman would be called for help and he’d say to Robin, “To the bat poles,” which they accessed through a bookcase that slid open. (See this, but fast forward to 1:57 of the clip.) Cool! More moving bookshelves, please. Maybe put a secret scrapbooking room behind it.
Really, I never lusted over Robin. I never wished he were gay, even as a role model for other superhero sidekicks. To be honest, I don’t marvel over any superhero characters.
But the announcement that Robin is gay got me thinking about the fictional hand-drawn or animated characters whom I truly wished were gay.
Sticking with superheroes for a moment, I’d be gleeful if the characters played by Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds came out--Wolverine (Jackman) and both Green Lantern and Deadpool (Reynolds). (Thank you, Google.) It’s nothing about what these characters do or what their powers are. Any scenario where Hugh and Ryan are gay makes my fantasies a tad closer to plausibility.
Top of my stop-motion animation list is a character I’ve mentioned MANY times as a lifelong crush: Hermey the Elf from “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.” That blond hair, that independent streak (even when it’s technically not so), even his challenges in efficiency pertaining to his manual labor output. (I picture him with perfectly clean fingernails, consummately manicured. Hermey accepts differences in others, not hesitating to welcome an outcast reindeer. He’s even got a successful career is in his future. A dentist! He could floss my teeth every night.
In standard TV animation, I’ve mentioned Fred Jones from Scooby Doo, too. Yep, another blond. I’m not sure whether that orange ascot tie really goes with the rest of his outfit. It goes too well with Daphne’s hair and I need her to keep away from Fred. (She and Velma would make a great lesbian couple, right?) Most of us Scooby Doo fans must concede, however, that Fred’s a dull one.
Hell, let’s make Scooby Doo himself gay. We need more out animals, fictional or real. Like those zoo penguins. Maybe Scoobs could hook up with that other Great Dane, Marmaduke, who always struck me as lovably goofy, but then Goofy’s probably goofier. Scoobs could turn to Goofy if the Marmaduke thing doesn’t work out.
That’s right. Goofy is one of my criteria for a desirability in gay men, gay dogs, straight folks and aliens from Ork.
Sticking with animated animals a moment longer, I always assumed Snagglepuss was gay based on old, stereotypical mannerisms, but among pink cartoon felines, I’d lobby more for a certain suave, clever panther to wave the Pride flag. If pink isn’t a factor, I urge Calvin’s sage best bud, Hobbes, to explore his gay side.
Back to hand-drawn and animated humans:
Linus…Did he ever want to get with Sally? Isn’t Sally a classic fag hag (if that term can be used anymore)? She wasted Halloween waiting around with him for the Great Pumpkin and got nothing for it.
There’s lots of bubbling homosexuality within the “Peanuts” gang. I think it’s widely assumed that Peppermint Patty and Marcie are partnered for life--let there be a wedding. What about Schroeder, the Beethoven-loving, accomplished pianist who has zero tolerance for Lucy? I can understand his reticence to come out. Lucy won’t take it well if Schroeder finally says, “Look, Lou. I’m gay.” Lucy has bullying tendencies and, if any Peanuts character were to be homophobic, it would be her. Not because she’s anti-gay; she’d just turn her rejection outward, an overly broad lashing out.
I’d let Linus be, uh, whatever…maybe bi unless it’s an icky love triangle between him and the Brown sibs, Sally and Charlie. It’s plausible Schroeder could be part of the LGBTQ community as asexual. He could be too into his music to think of anything involving physical intimacy. A perfectly played “Ode to Joy” might be his ultimate satisfaction. I’d be good with Franklin being gay. Frankly, Franklin needs more of a storyline; we need to know more about him so he’s more than the token Black character. I’d also find it interesting to have Pig-Pen come out. We gays are a diverse lot. We need to rebut the notion of gays being persnickety Felix Unger fusspots. Let Pig-Pen be a take-me-as-I-am gay dude. He’s shown a different sense of pride already, referring to his perpetual dirt cloud as “the dust of ancient civilizations.” Ooh! Sexy! More alluring than that greased up mechanic down at Bob’s Automotive. Like Franklin, Pig-Pen needs to be further developed. I’m seeing Franklin and Pig-Pen coupling up. Give these two a spin-off!
I need a character from Berkeley Breathed’s amazing “Bloom County” (the comic strip with Bill the Cat and penguin Opus) to be gay. Before “Calvin & Hobbes,” I considered this strip superior to all others. Michael Binkley is the obvious choice. Poor kid didn’t seem to be the boy his father wanted. Michael gets stuck on the school football team because his dad wants him to become a star linebacker. What Michael really wants is to dance ballet in “Swan Lake” and become a hairdresser. Yes, there are some stereotypes there, but Michael is more nuanced. Perhaps I see myself in Michael, but not in terms of ballet--I can’t even do the dreaded wedding reception YMCA dance--or with a hairdressing career. Like Michael, I had stages in which I was seen as an airhead and a nerd. More than that, I align with him because he has an anxiety closet that torments him at night. Oh, Michael, you need a loving gay man to hold, comfort and understand you. (Same for me? Well, let’s hope Michael has more luck.)
There’s probably a hot Power Ranger or Pokémon character, but these things came after my time. No comment.
There’s probably a lust-worthy or attractively sensitive bad guy to make gay. The Joker? Elmer Fudd? The potentially misunderstood troll in “Three Billy Goats Gruff”? I had an ex who had addiction issues and other elements of a dark side. He regularly told me it was his wild side that drew me to him. It was a convenient stance, a fanciful form of denialism, to convince himself he didn’t need to change. I liked him in spite of his wild side and, of course, it couldn’t possibly last. If Elmer Fudd is gay, someone else can pine for him. I’m out. Let that strapping Paul Bunyan have him.
You’re welcome, everyone. I’ve just made comics and cartoons a welcome space for LGBTQ characters. Holy pianola! We’re here, we’re queer, we’re everywhere.
