Monday, September 3, 2012


This is Part Two of a first date I had last week.  To read the first post, click here.

All great dates must come to an end.  It’s just unfortunate when that end happens at the halfway point. Should have parted with a coffee buzz and an excitement about next time. 

But I’d suggested a walk and he’d accepted.  Date on...

We walked along riverside pathways and through new subdivisions, continuing to chat without pretense.  It was a Goldilocks night—not too hot, not too cold.  Everything just right.  Everything.

Every time we reached a logical point to turn back, he’d nod at the next path or sidewalk.  Yes, walk on.  I sensed he would have walked with me all night.  Each time I looked at him, I got a stronger feeling that he was quite the catch.  At last.

And then he revealed THE CATCH. 

I’d asked him if he was out to his family in Mexico.  He replied, “You should know,...I’m married.  To a woman.  And I have kids.” 

I smiled.  Nodded.  Yes, everything is okay.  He said something else, but “I’m married” echoed in my hollow head.  I kept smiling and nodding. 

Somehow I managed a quick recovery and asked all sorts of questions about the wife and kids.  This is not a case of him being divorced.  Still married.  This is not a case of the wife being in Mexico.  She’s here.  Not in Vancouver.  Not down the street.  Living in the same home.

It’s a complicated scenario, that has been playing out for more than a year.  How long exactly?  I missed that detail.  The “I’m married” echo kept bouncing off the lovely exteriors in the trendy subdivision and hitting me anew.  The kids—two of them—are tweens.  The wife knows Javier is gay.  The kids don’t.  Some gay guy—me?!—is going to be “the other woman”, the one blamed by the boys for bringing down the marriage and destroying the family.

Red flags!  An objective outsider would be yelling for me to run.  Game over!

But we kept walking and talking.  We talked a lot about his children and his pride featured prominently in everything he shared.  I asked many questions about the wife, her process in accepting his coming out and his process for moving out.  Yes, that is the plan.  No, there is no specific timeline.  My jaded self, listening to someone else spout off these circumstances, would say, “Of course there isn’t a timeline.  There never is!”

As we finally stopped and stood on Fort Langley’s main street, I said the unthinkable.  “I’ve enjoyed this.  I would be interested in meeting you again.”

He said the same, as I knew he would.  Oh, what a time for me to finally find a greater confidence.

Once back in my car, all the rational thoughts against further interaction patiently queued before establishing a compelling case.  Defeatism seeped in as well.  They’re all deeply flawed.  Yes, there’s always a catch. 

So there you have it...two dates in one.  Outstanding, then utterly confusing.  What now?

1 comment:

Rick Modien said...

To use a common abbreviation today-OMG!
RG, I didn't see this coming, and I'm sure you didn't either.
I love the whole play on the words "the catch," Clever and disheartening, at the same time.
(All the references to Fort Langley are great. Chris and I love it there, and we especially like Bedford Landing. We've viewed a number of the show homes, and we've always been impressed. But that's not what this is about, is it?)
Yes, once I learned the truth about Javier, I would probably have bowed out quickly and been on my way. But, as you suggest previously, it's complicated. It is indeed.
Interesting that you end the post with the open ended question, "What now?"
I think you have to ask yourself, what do you really want? At this point in your life, circumstances being what they are, would you be happy to settle for the possibility of something casual-sweet, fun, gratifying whenever it happens, but potentially emotionally draining-or do you want something long-term, committed, exclusive?
You obviously like the guy, and he likes you, so maybe enjoying each other's company, and whatever that entails, is enough for both of you. But I can't help but think you're not the type not to commit and become emotionally invested. And that could really hurt a lot, especially since you have no way of knowing if he'll ever leave his wife.
Does his wife know he's seeking male companionship? Is she okay with that, especially if it becomes sexual? Do you even care?
In the absence of something more permanent in your life, having a "friendship" with Javier might be just what the doctor ordered. And who knows what it could eventually turn into.
On the other hand, it may turn into nothing, and you may forever remain "the other woman."
I think you really have to do some soul searching here. What do you really want? What does your heart tell you you really want? Are you prepared to hold out for that? Or are you willing to settle, at least temporarily? And, if you settle, how hurt could you end up being in this situation if you become emotionally invested and nothing ever comes of it?
Do you and Javier at least owe it to each other to get together again and to talk this through as honestly as you can, so youre both able to make informed decisions about what's right for each of you to do?
(How can you tell the Libran is coming out in me here?)
I'm not in your position, so I can't do anything more than offer observations and questions to ask yourself? But I think this situation with Javier is very new-too new, probably, to worry much about making specific decisions about what to do.
Play it cool. Wait and see what happens. He may never call again (have you been in contact with each other since?). In the end, it may not be your decision to make. Circumstances may dictate what now. Time will tell.
(Sorry for all the rambling here. Just what's going through my mind.)