Thursday, December 15, 2011


Nothing new in this post. It’s just me spinning in the same old spot.

In my twenties, I thought I knew it all. Even though, deep down, I knew I didn’t. There were many adult things I did not want to grasp. Stocks. Home ownership. “Murder, She Wrote.” Still, I had a clear sense of how to foster a loving relationship. Even if said relationship was only a hypothetical. I did not date ANYONE until I was twenty-five.

In my thirties, I may have actually known it all. Seriously. Everything clicked. Real relationship with a seemingly perfect partner. Heritage house. Pet. Job with growing leadership responsibilities. Potential everywhere! I was set for life.

Or at least until my forties. Relationship? Gone. Not a single hopeful sign in that area. House? Got one, but it’s a dead weight that I cannot seem to shake. It’s like the Hotel California: You can check-in anytime you’d like, but you can never leave. Job? It’s gruelling and utterly thankless. There is no time to savor a moment of success as more crises demand URGENT attention. Crises that began from the actions of others. I am the professional sanitation worker, expected to clean up everyone else’s mess. Pet? One of my beloved dogs died in March and I still miss him terribly, but at least I have my other one to be nonjudgmental, to pretend I am the greatest thing since sliced bananas, to get upset when any other dog seeks my attention. (Yes, dogs dig me. Gay men? Not so much.)

Life is now as much a puzzle as it was in my teen years. I am left with a long list of questions, but at the top of the list is, What happened?!

I know I have many changes to make, but the waiting is maddening. When will my house sell (if it sells)? When will I be approved to return to the U.S. (if at all)? What kind of peon job will I get while I strive to make it as a writer? And will I make it? Will all the changes turn out to be foolish in retrospect?

If there is someone for everyone, where is my guy? What if he has lost his way due to the ex-gay movement? What if I leave Vancouver when he was here all along, always walking the seawall ten minutes before or after me? What if he’s in L.A. and settles for someone else before I get here? How long will I have to sigh longingly as moviemakers lead me to believe Mr. Right is a fender bender away?

What if there really isn’t someone for everyone? Why shouldn’t I be one of the have nots?

No more questions, please. I have enough uncertainty despite decades of experience. To modify a common expression, the more I live, the less I know.


Rick Modien said...

Great post.

Here's the interesting thing. It doesn't matter what you have, or don't have, in your life, you always have lots and lots of the type of questions you ask yourself.

For example, I have the relationship, but I constantly ask myself, what if something happened to Chris? How would I get along without him? Where would I find work, since, unofficially, I've been "retired" since 2007? Who would hire me at the age of 52? What skills do I have that would translate to today's marketplace? (Okay, I have to stop this now before I make myself crazy.)

And, so far, none of these questions has anything to do with my own writing. Don't get me started there.

I know I don't need to tell you this, but here's the only answer there is: Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving.

Oh, and have faith. When we appear to have nothing else, there's always faith--that things will work out, because, in most cases, they always do. Maybe not how we expect them to, but they will.

Hope I helped--even just a little.

(By the way, thanks for sharing your questions. You've just proved to me we're all human.)

The Owl Wood said...

If there is someone for everyone then that makes me someone's someone - in which case I'd like to issue an open letter of apology for my previous lifelong incompetence in the role!

The older I get the MORE I know - about what a twerp I've been in the past. My focus is to remember that, but only so that I can avoid making the same mistakes. The difficulty is in shaking off the regret and the feelings of having cheated myself.

Chin up, draw a line, say bollocks to the universe and, if anyone is searching for that special, middle-aged, ex-idiot, socially-inept spectacular failure who is about to get it right then I'm working hard to be that someone's someone!

Rural Gay said...

Hello, Owl Wood. Thanks for the comment. There is no need to repeat mistakes of the past when there are new ones to experience. Okay, hopefully not! Maybe there is an opportunity to finally get it right. In the meantime, avoid listening to "Somewhere Out There" from the animated film "An American Tail". Is this movie about a mouse looking for love? And I'm assuming Fievel finds it. So the mouse it more evolved than we are?! Ugh. I shall move on...

Hi, Rick. Yes, we all have questions at any point in our lives. I, however, feel a heightened sense of angst right now. I am pushing to put questions at the forefront and, while there is often an excitement interwoven with being anxious, sometimes I despair and wonder why I cannot just live the life I've worked toward so far. My need to write this post is similar to what you have recommended on your blog about journaling. Increasingly, I do not feel that I have people in my life to talk to as I would with a partner or a close friend whom I chatted with regularly. In the past week, I reached out to my two closest friends in Vancouver and couldn't get their ear. The one had a toddler taking all her focus (as toddlers do) and the other was too consumed with planning his trip to Vietnam. Just writing my thoughts somewhere helps stop them from spinning repeatedly in my head. I should be fine for a few days!