A friend of mine truly lives the life I strive for. She’s an
artist, vegetarian, teacher, Earth mother and a gifted travel writer. She’s
married but retains her given family name along with a gentle “Ms.” {She’s not
in-your-face about anything.) One of the things I admire about Ana is that she
and Matt take every fifth year off from teaching so they can explore the world.
That hasn’t changed, even after they had Becca. It’s a way of life. What
intrigues me so much about their travels is that they spend months apart. When
Ana explored India, Matt went to Morocco. She climbed Kilimanjaro while he
trekked through the Alps. Later, they met up in Guatemala. Their travels
exemplify their relationship—they have maintained their individuality while
deepening their bond.
Spending months apart may seem extreme. It works for them. I’m
not sure I’d want to go that far. I’d like to have a partner with me as I take
in Machu Picchu or Kathmandu. But I think spending dinner apart is perfectly
healthy.
Yes, dinner. That seems reasonable, doesn’t it?
But whenever I come to L.A., I get two for one meals. Ellie and Tom. Benny and Ted. Susan and Tim. I
truly enjoy the company of Ellie, Benny and Susan’s husbands. Nice guys, thank
goodness. And they seem to enjoy time with me. Conversation flows well enough. But
I’m a one-on-one guy. There is nothing more intimate than a two-person
conversation. Back in the old days, there were plenty of group outings with Ellie,
with Benny and with Susan, but these relationships deepened and became lifelong
friendships through the one on ones. The performance element gave way to
probing questions and a disclosure of vulnerabilities.
I miss those moments. Sometimes three really is a crowd.
Just once a year, it would be nice to go out and not have to accept the package
deal. These are couples that have been together 40, 15 and 25 years. Have they
lost all individuality? Is it unthinkable for one to heat up a can of tomato
soup alone at home while the other catches up with an old friend? Alone time is
healthy—when it doesn’t drag on for nine years.
Or why not catch up with your own old friend? Someone you
know from work or from the Before era. Go on a walk with the dog, if you must.
Yes, strengthen your Alpha status with Fido. Ensure you’re the one he greets
more robustly. (That always feels good.)
Once a year. Call it Independence Day. The three of us can
get together for the next meal. I’m always game for another dining out
experience. The options in L.A. seem limitless.
A little time away from the spouse, every now and then. Dinner.
Or make it lunch. Just coffee? Anything wrong with that?
