Sunday, January 8, 2012

POUR ME ANOTHER COFFEE



Okay, maybe it should be tequila. Here I am, hopping on the ferry again to meet someone for coffee. (I kept things a bit cryptic with my talented but gossipy hairstylist this morning. “We have coffee in town, you know,” she said. Yes, I thought. We just don’t have the gay men.)

It has been almost four months since my last meet-and-greet over a grande dark. That one didn’t go well. It didn’t even really register. I didn’t blog about it. In truth, I suspect I was the one who blew the date, too tired after a hectic day at work, too closed in my answers to his questions, too disinterested to get him to talk about himself. Actually, it was the opposite of disinterest, but that’s how it came across. I clam up when I am really attracted to a guy. Yep, that might have something to do with me being single.

I am not sure if it is the gap in time or if it is a gut feeling that the guy I am meeting might be a quality individual, but I am feeling nervous for the first time in ages. When coffee dates were coming once or twice a month, it became routine. Did I get blasé? Not sure, but I think a little nervousness can be a good thing.

3 comments:

Rick Modien said...

You say a lot in this one, RG. In particular, I note how you say you essentially sabotage your efforts when you meet someone you're attracted to. Is that just about being tired? Insecure? Scared?

How many other gay men could say the same thing? I still believe there are many, many gay men who would prefer to have partners in their lives but, for so many reasons, they don't allow it to happen.

From your subsequent post, I already know how this meeting turned out, and I couldn't be happier for you. I'm rooting for you, but of course you know that. All the very best.

Rural Gay said...

It's all about insecurity. So many of us have self-esteem issues that go back to a time before we figured out we were gay. All we knew was we were different in some strange way that made us the subject of scorn.

I could take out a sheet of paper and fill it with Reasons Why I'm Worthy, but when I am in the presence of someone to whom I feel an attraction, the insecurities flutter out from those ancient scrapbooks of childhood. I feel attraction so rarely that the risk in putting myself out there can overwhelm. What if I am rejected after truly trying?

It's illogical, I know. Without trying, nothing can occur.

If the other guy can be the first to show an interest, how wonderful! How improbable too when my head is down and I become The Silent One who blends with the wallpaper.

Oh, I've done this so many times...

Rick Modien said...

All I can say is, smarten up.
I believe we've had this discussion before (didn't you write a post on this?): People you meet do not know anything about your history, so they don't understand why you don't feel better about yourself, why you don't come across more confidently. Remember that. A fresh slate with everyone new. It's like being reborn each time.
If you are anything like you how you come across in your blog, you would definitely be worth meeting. I haven't even met you, but I know you'd make someone a great partner.
Believe.