I’m still adjusting to a world without Tina Turner. I know she was eighty-three—the same age as my mother—but I assumed she’d live forever. “A long illness,” reports said. It’s hard for me to even imagine her as ever having more than a pesky cold. Even then, I assumed Tina would make it work, the sore throat and cough making her voice huskier, richer, throatier. For me, Tina Turner symbolized strength and resilience and, until this week, infallibility. Didn’t we all love her story? Through her graciousness and openness, didn’t her story become our story? Humble beginnings, standing up to prejudice, escaping and recovering from abuse.
I had my own story of abuse. It remains with me, popping up at times I wish it wouldn’t—really, I wish I could suppress it once and for all. I go on. Like Tina.
Yesterday, I went into a YouTube hole—a lovely one, except for all the annoying Grammarly ads and VRBO pitches. I listened to one Tina Turner song (or Ike & Tina song) after another. So many favorites, some I’d forgotten and a few I’d never heard before. I adore “What’s Love Got to Do with It,” “A Fool in Love,” “Let’s Stay Together,” and “Typical Male.” I sang along and wiggled a bit—not quite dancing—but mostly I stared at the screen, listening to and looking at the iconic Tina Turner. That smile, that hair, those legs, that glorious presence. What a legacy she’s bequeathed us.
Still, the song that stood out surprised me. I’d always liked “I Don’t Wanna Fight,” but thirty years after its release, I realize it resonates with me the most. It’s a breezy tune, an easy listening pop confection, but it’s always come through my car radio whenever I’ve just gone through a breakup or when I’m contemplating ending a relationship. I hate conflict, I don’t handle it well and it exhausts me.
I don't care who's wrong or right, I don't really want to fight no more (too much talking, babe). Let's sleep on it tonight. I don't really want to fight no more.
Man, I’ve been there so many times. In this early part of the song, there seems to be a possibility of getting back on track. But the next line makes things clear: “This is time for letting go.”
I was raised on the belief that you stuck with someone for better or worse. When I found someone who showed any affection for me, I figured the relationship was as good as I could get, even if “better” was long-gone and “worse” had moved in, seemingly permanently. (Yeah, I’ve had self-esteem issues.)
Oh, can't you see that I don't care Or are you looking right through me? It seems to me that lately You look at me the wrong way and I start to cry. Could it be that maybe This crazy situation is the reason why?
This song helped me most in inching my way out of the abusive relationship. I’ve written about it before and I’m not going to expand on it here.
Hanging on to the past, It only stands in our way. We had to grow for our love to last, But we just grew apart. No, I don't want to hurt no more.
Just know that, despite all my intelligence and the fact friends regularly leaned on me for solid relationship advice, it took years for me to untangle all the ropes that kept me tied to my partner. Tina Turner got out; I could, too. I’ve always had so much respect for her.
As with most pop songs, “I Don’t Wanna Fight” treads lightly on the subject of a rocky relationship. There have been many times when, while working through a breakup, I relished songs like En Vogue’s “My Lovin’ (You’re Never Gonna Get It)," JoJo’s “Leave (Get Out),” and, of course, “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor. But those songs muster strength while holding onto bitterness. The anger feels good…until it doesn’t.
Breathe out.
Let it go.
That’s where Carole King’s “It’s Too Late” and Tina Turner’s “I Don’t Want to Fight” come in. Catharsis. Time for closure. Forward motion.
“I Don’t Wanna Fight” has an interesting pedigree, based on a quick Wikipedia search. It was written by Lulu (who scored a #1 hit with “To Sir With Love” in 1967), along with her brother Billy Lawrie and Steve DuBerry. It was originally offered to Sade, but she passed and sent it to Tina. The song is on the soundtrack of the Tina Turner biopic, “What’s Love Got to Do with It,” starring Angela Bassett.
I’m hoping the days of breakups are behind me. May “I Don’t Wanna Fight” just be a song. Catchy, melancholy, something that got me through messy times. Let “Better Be Good to Me” become my new Tina Turner anthem.
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