 |
Oh, Vancouver...so pretty,
but it leaves me feeling so empty.
|
Not long ago, it
dawned
on me
that
I’ve
been
living in the
province
of British Columbia for twenty-five
years.
A milestone
like
that
has a tendency
to make
you
stop and think. So much time
in
one
place.
Is
it truly the
spot
for me?
The
answer
is a resounding
no. I still marvel
at the
physical
beauty
of coastal B.C. and Vancouver’s stunning backdrop. I thoroughly
enjoy
my bike
rides
and hikes
in the
area.
But, just as it is with people,
beauty
only takes
you so far. It’s been
no secret
that I’ve
had
great
difficulty making deep
connections here.
I
was incredibly
social during my first few
years
in Vancouver but then
I got into a long-term relationship
and many friendships
dried
up. At the
time,
I
felt
that a number
of my single
friends
were
too
focused
on gay bars, but they
probably thought I was too attached
to my partner. We
couldn’t
seem
to find common ground. After
the
relationship
ended,
I fled
to a more
remote
area—a
perfect
setting
for writing and for letting
my dogs thrive,
but
the
isolation
nearly
destroyed
me.
It
was my doctors who gave
me
a
good shake,
telling
me
what
I already
knew:
it was essential
that I return
to city life.
I
didn’t spend
much time
exploring
my options; rather,
I took the
easy
route
and
returned
to Vancouver.
I
moved
back with a realistic
mindset,
figuring it would be
like
starting
over
again. I knew
I’d have
to
give
it
at least
a couple
of
years
to settle
in
again. I
joined
a few
new
groups but people
were
cordial
at best.
For whatever
reason,
things didn’t click.
And
now
four and a half years
have
passed.
I’m hanging onto a few
old friendships
and I’ve
gained
one
new
friend.
That’s it. Many people
claim that Vancouver is a difficult city to make
connections
and that has certainly
been
my experience
this second
time
around.
Moreover,
the
dating
scene
has
completely
dried
up. It’s time
to
move
on.
 |
| Ottawa is a pristine, familiar city, but is it too sleepy? |
Because
I
need
to maximize my pension,
I have
to
stay in Canada for six more
years.
If I were
to
spend
that time
in
this
same
space,
it
would be
like
watching
sand slowly, slowly trickle
speck
by speck
down
an
hourglass
timer.
It
would feel
like
a
waste.
Thus,
I am looking at other
cities
in Canada. I want another
opportunity to make
friends
and to have
another
chance
at
the
possibility
of a relationship.
Smaller
cities
feel
like
a
step
in the
wrong
direction.
The
gay
“community” will be
too
small. That leaves
Montreal—a city where
I
really
should be
fluent
in French
but am far from it—and Toronto. For sentimental
reasons—a
nearby
family cottage
and
relatives—I
would like
to
also consider Ottawa.
It’s
a very
short list.
 |
Toronto is Canada's largest city.
Will I get lost in the crowd?
|
While
my
eating
disorder
treatment
program takes
a two-week
hiatus to allow for staff vacations,
I
am flying to Ontario to check
out these
two
cities.
Ottawa is the
familiar
one.
I’ve
visited
there
almost
every
summer
of my life.
I
have
a
few
favorite routines there
and,
like
Vancouver,
I find it to be
pretty.
It
feels
a bit sleepy—a
family-focused,
government town. I worry that I could become
too
dependent
on my relatives
in
the
area
and
set
myself
up for disappointment
when
I realize
their
lives
are
already
plenty
full without me.
Toronto is the
unknown.
I spent
my childhood an hour away but I haven’t
explored
it as an adult. To be
honest,
I’ve
never
wanted
to spend
time
there.
Have
I
unfairly overlooked
it?
What’s
overwhelmingly
clear
to me
is
that I don’t want to make
another
mistake.
I
want my next
move,
even
if it doesn’t
prove
to
be
permanent,
to be
a
place
where
isolation
doesn’t
eat
away at me
and
where
I’m
not just biding time.
It’s
exciting
to look ahead
with a cautious sense
of
hope.
I
don’t expect
to make
any
firm decisions
until next
spring so this first visit will be
an
exploratory
mission. I’m hoping that at
least
one
of
the
cities
comes
across as
a
real
option after
I
check
them
out.
It
would be
nice
to
feel
as though I’m not running away from Vancouver
but actually heading
somewhere
with
intention
and excitement.
