I’ve always thought couples have a financial advantage. They split bills, hotels and can choose to file taxes jointly, presumably for some savings. If there is any advantage, I’ve yet to realize it, five months into my current relationship.
Truth is, I’m spending more than ever. Having a steady partner is creating havoc with my savings. I keep reminding myself this is normal. This is still early going. Love is new and we’re taking in every experience that comes our way. “No” doesn’t come up in conversation.
Part of the extra spending comes with the fact this is a long-distance relationship. He’s in Seattle; I’m in Vancouver. Gas is at an all-time high. But it’s more than just the expense of filling up. Last week I flew home from Seattle instead of driving. That’s because I was returning from a longer trip with Evan—two weeks in Colorado and New Mexico. (More spending!) We flew back from Albuquerque and there was no connecting flight back to Vancouver until the next morning so, rather than fight traffic schlepping back to SeaTac Airport, I hopped a seaplane that took off only walking distance away from his place on Lake Union and landed at Coal Harbour in downtown Vancouver, a short walk away from my home. It was somewhat more expensive but much more convenient and, heck, so much more fun (and scenic) than boarding a 737 in a crowded airport. (Bonus: Upon landing in Vancouver, there were two border agents waiting to take the four of us on the plane through customs. Fastest customs line ever!) I didn’t fret about being extravagant; instead, my sparkly brain thought I should travel this way more often.
Danger!
I choose to ignore the alert, just like everyone does when a car alarm goes off. Seriously, can we nix the car alarms? How many thefts have actually been averted? How often is it the car owner who inadvertently sounds the alarm? Why not create a security device that sprays the would-be intruder with glitter? It’s silent and the petty thief will never be able to shake out the evidence prior to arrest. Plus, if the owner accidentally glitters himself a time or two, it’ll make him think more about when a security option should be activated.
Okay, I may have solved a noise nuisance, but my financial problems remain.
This past weekend, Evan was in Vancouver to spend Pride with me. Normally, I would incur no extra expenses for the occasion. I bought a pair of rainbow Converse a few years ago that are as good as new since I only feel rainbow-worthy proud on the annual parade day. Not that I go to that (or any) event. I wear them to the grocery store, pick up my Sunday New York Times, then head home to kick ’em off and kick back for a leisurely day of reading and later biking (in my regular sneakers) to somewhere in the opposite direction of the parade route.
Evan and I didn’t attend the parade, but we did attend a party Saturday night at Vancouver’s Chinese gardens and then saw gay country artist Orville Peck in concert on Sunday. In addition to the ticket costs, we shelled out extra bucks for event-priced food and drinks. We also bought new clothes and accessories for the Asian/Neon-themed Chinese garden party and to add a Western flair to our outfits for the concert. God, I feel like I’m twenty-two again.
Orville Peck is not your average
country singer. Out and proud,
he's known for his fringed masks
and artful costumes.
I’m certain neither of us would have shelled out money to attend either ticketed event this weekend if we weren’t together. I’d have been content to pass my evenings watching an episode or two of “Uncoupled” on Netflix, while sipping half a glass of wine. (You’d think I’d have learned after all these years to pour only a few ounces of Chardonnay but, no, I always pour a customary amount and end up dumping the most of it down the sink before I go to bed. Clearly I don’t have a drinking problem but, if there’s an alcoholic coho salmon in the Vancouver area, it’s my fault.) To be sure, we both loved the concert, even if we’d only heard a song or two by Orville Peck before buying tickets. The guy, whose crooning is reminiscent of Roy Orbison, Elvis and Chris Isaak, is an amazing talent who didn’t hit a wrong note singing live. We also enjoyed the event at the Chinese gardens which included dancing, drag queen performances, karaoke, poetry readings and food trucks. We took in all of it, except for the karaoke which featured two older gays loudly singing an off-key rendition of “I Got You, Babe” as we walked on by. I don’t think Evan—or the world—is ready for me to hold a mic and sing Herp Alpert’s “This Guy’s in Love with You.” I’d kill it…I mean REALLY kill it. The karaoke music for the tune would be banned forevermore.[1]
It was money well spent this weekend, but my credit card is still trying to adjust to other equally well spent expenses since we got together. We had a fabulous extended weekend in Manhattan which included hitting several art museums, having drinks on a fancy rooftop deck, going on a sunset harbor cruise and Evan paying WAY TOO MUCH on a romantic gesture to have us ride a rickshaw through Central Park. After I heard how much he had to pay the guy pedaling our cart, I made it clear that, in the future, walking while holding hands is romantic enough for me. We did split the hotel room, but Evan wanted to impress me so we stayed at an upgraded room at a trendy place we both love. Simple math: when you pay more than twice as much as you normally would on lodging, splitting the cost does not amount to a savings.
We’ve also had weekend getaways in different parts of Washington and in Whistler, BC. The first time I stayed at Evan’s he prepared a homemade vegan Indian meal which I loved and we’ve made a couple of meals together, with me serving as a considerably challenged sous chef. Still, going out to eat remains the norm. Our wallets only get a reprieve when we order pizza at our favorite spot in Seattle, the leftovers accounting for two additional meals. While I can’t finish a glass of wine when dining home alone, I have a hefty bar tab from eating out. I’d forgotten how much I enjoy a margarita and Evan and I like to split a bottle of sauvignon blanc. (Again, the math: splitting a moderately priced bottle of wine is still far more than what I shell out when I tell the waiter, “I’ll just have water” or splurge on a lemonade.)
Then there’s the wardrobe additions. I’ve already blogged about how Evan’s convinced me that I can wear tighter fitting clothes. I buy more because I want to look good for him and he does the same. Moreover, we’re guilty of that weird couple phenomenon in which our closets are beginning to include styles the other one is more inclined to wear. Just please don’t let us get to the point where we head to brunch dressed as if we’re twins. No matching jackets, tank tops or shoes. I don’t even like using the same hair product. If we ever come off as twinsies, dear god, let our friends hold an intervention.
Even when we’ve been apart, there have been extra expenses. Evan’s much more of a planner than I am so he’s had a few trips with friends and family that were booked before we met. I didn’t like sitting home on my own while he was on a yoga retreat with a bestie from college so I’ve since scheduled my own adventures to fill the gaps. A day trip to Whistler with friends was a tad pricey with the $85 cost to take the gondola to hike atop Blackcomb Mountain, but that was nothing compared to the thousands spent exploring Iceland and Stockholm for two weeks while he was visiting family back in Colorado. It’s true, the trip had been postponed from 2019 due to COVID, but rising prices and other factors made my bank account take a much heavier hit.
Evan incurred his own additional expense this past weekend, buying a road bike. It wasn’t an extravagant in and of itself. He searched online and chose a used bike after researching the make and model’s book value. But then there’s the fact he already has a bike at his home in Seattle. Why the additional purchase? His city bike has only three speeds while mine has eighteen. His bike has served him well for his rides around Lake Union. I’ve gone on many rides with him and the dude doesn’t coast it. He gets a good workout. Still, I ride faster so I have to ease up and follow him—not a bad thing, given the nice view. We make things work in Seattle. Evan’s BMW can’t fit a bike while, to the surprise of so many, my Mini Cooper easily stows mine. In Vancouver, if we want to go for a ride he’s tried the grab-and-go bikes you can rent anywhere in the city, but those things feel like you’re riding a tricycle. Now he rents from bike shops where he can choose a better bike, but it’s still not on par with mine. Hence the new purchase. In the long run—and, yes, let there be a long run with us—the new bike is a good investment. He’s already spent close to $200 on rentals during our Vancouver rides. We can have better rides, going farther and faster. I’m mentally preparing for the possibility that my in-shape boyfriend will be passing me on his new bike as he grins wildly and says, “Come on, keep up!” My ego will bruise, but again, I’ll be able to take in a great view. I’ll deal.
At the rate we’re going, Evan and I could very well accompany one another as we make appearances in bankruptcy courts in our respective jurisdictions. Call it our very own International Bankruptcy Tour. Travel is becoming so niche. Having a judge take a pair of scissors to our credit cards might not be on anyone’s list of romantic things, even if the list were a drawn-out Top 100…or 1,000. But I could put one arm around him and hold his hand as the deed is done, then kiss away the tears on the steps of the courthouse. He’d do the same for me.
And maybe that unceremonious, clunky landing after a wild freefall will be all we need to bond over the basics: a bag of Wonder bread and a jar of peanut butter, plus a single shared banana, sliced up to make a simple, yet tasty lunch, enjoyed on a minimally bird poop-splattered bench at a local park and washed down with a few gulps at the water fountain. One way or another, we shall have to come to our senses.
6 comments:
It’s early days yet I think things will even out once the relationship is cemented and you’re cohabiting
Yes, Lawrence, gotta ride out this extended spending spree. I keep saying, "Let's eat in" and "We need to budget our travels," but so far the urge to explore with a new guy wins out over everything I've learned about being financially responsible.
While it's true that expenses might increase at the beginning of relationships, but you're living quite an extravagant life, if you haven't already noticed it. I mean all the travelling, not just local, but every post you have mentions some sort of travel. Those costs add up, as I'm sure you realise.
And even if you think extravagant isn't an appropriate description, I just compare it to my own spending situation. I make you look like the most frugal of frugals!
Oh, do I have advice for you.
There are books, and I'm sure websites, where you can learn what to do in Vancouver, and I imagine also Seattle, on a budget. Use them. You'd be surprised what's available for next to nothing—even for free.
When Chris and I were both earning incomes, I made more money. He simply couldn't afford everything I could, and he couldn't afford 50% of our expenses either. So if yours and Evan's combined incomes total 100%, figure out what percent of that is your portion and what percent is his. Then all joint expenses are split that way. Works really well if and when you move in together too.
But most of all, be honest with each other. If you can't afford it, say that, hold your ground, and expect Evan will respect the situation you're in. It's not worth going into so much debt because your relationship is new, and you're trying to make up for lost time. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Or adopt the attitude you can't do everything you have been, but you can afford this and this. Do only those things and let the rest go.
Don't let money come between you. More than one relationship has ended because of money issues.
Oh, and I learned early on, from a gay relationship book I read, that money in a relationship is power. Keep that in mind while you and Evan work it out.
We will tone it down soon enough, I imagine. Generally, I'm incredibly good at budgeting. All this extra spending isn't sustainable, but I did build up a bit of a nest egg during COVID when travel wasn't an option. Easy come, easy go. I'm fortunate to have such memorable experiences in the early stages of this relationship. To be honest, some of the best times are just walking hand in hand to a local park or sitting on the sofa, my legs draped over his. Let there always be simple pleasures.
Your mention of simple pleasures made me smile. I know exactly what you mean. Chris and I have had our share of simple pleasures over the years, and they are the ones I remember most fondly (although I'll admit our trip to Paris in 2008 had its share of expensive, and simple, pleasures too).
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