"MAID" FOR ME (Netflix TV series review)

Why wasn’t I strong enough?

 

It’s a question I avoid. It can eat away at me. The shame returns. The fault-finding turns inward. I become the one who was flawed. It’s easy to beat myself up. I suppose he knew that.

 

Last year, I finally wrote about the domestic abuse I went through during a seven-year relationship from 1997 to 2004. (The posts are here and here.) I don’t expect to ever fully discuss or write about what I experienced. Most of it’s locked in a vault within me and I’ve chucked the key to prevent entry. When I’ve mentioned the abuse to psychiatrists, they’ve always asked if it was physical and, when I explain it was all emotional, they probe no further and move on. That’s always left me feeling like what I went through doesn’t count. Was I just a drama queen?  

 

Last night I finished the ten-episode series, “Maid,” on Netflix. It premiered in October and I avoided it after reading the premise. A young woman struggles to restart a life for herself and her young daughter after breaking free from domestic abuse. I was even in denial about why I didn’t want to watch. I told myself the title was lame. (It is. I suppose it’s slightly better than the name of another Netflix series from last fall, “Chair”. I’m anticipating some new show to premiere this spring called “Blank” or, to be artsy, “Untitled”. Netflix is basically saying, “You’ll watch. What else are you going to do?”)

 

Even when I began watching, I told myself it was because I was curious to see the locations. While set in Washington state, the series was mostly filmed in British Columbia, particularly on southern Vancouver Island. It was especially easy to spot B.C. Ferries terminals and vessels subbing in for Washington Ferries. 

 

But the abuse and Alex’s attempt to escape from it plays out in that first episode. We see one intense scene. I was uneasy throughout that first viewing, but telling myself, “Mine was not like that” gave me just enough emotional distance to continue with the series. It helped that I don’t binge-watch anything. Most nights, I don’t watch any TV and, when I would sit down and grab the remote, I often told myself, “Not tonight.” I’d choose twenty minutes of a movie instead. A movie can take me weeks to finish (if, in fact, I do finish) and “Maid” took about two months, with me powering through the final five (out of ten) episodes this past week. 

 

Beyond the subject matter and the familiar locations, the series is extremely well done, with realistic, compelling writing and excellent acting. I have never been an Andie MacDowell fan. I felt she was wooden in her 1980s film roles and it surprises me her career has had legs. As Alex’s bipolar mother, MacDowell has found a breakthrough role. Anika Noni Rose, in a recurring role as a wealthy career woman whose house Alex cleans, is eminently watchable and Raymond Ablack as Nate, an acquaintance who goes above and beyond to help Alex—not entirely for altruistic reasons—is eminently watchable because he’s, well, easy on the eyes. But it’s Margaret Qualley in the lead role who carries the entire series, appearing in every scene, her acting coming off as natural and captivating. (I only learned this morning, while Googling a few things for this post, that Margaret Qualley is Andie MacDowell’s actual daughter. Huh. So the resemblance wasn’t fortuitous casting.)

 

The beauty of “Maid” is that Alex is so strong. She is exemplary as a devoted mother to her young daughter, Maddy. Her own mother is exasperatingly unpredictable, but Alex remains loyal and protective in attempting to parent her too. Alex also has to maintain contact with her abusive ex since he is Maddy’s father. Throughout the ten episodes, she is challenged in understanding abuse, in negotiating relationships and in navigating the hoops and hurdles as a single mother living in poverty, trying to find safe shelter, longer term housing, work and basics like food and childcare. (The show is based on a book I haven’t read, a memoir by Stephanie Land called Maid: Hard Work, Low Pay, and a Mother’s Will to Survive.) Every glimmer of hope is dashed by soul-crushing setbacks and yet Alex continues to push forward with a simmering fierceness, brought on, in part, because she’s got Maddy depending on her.

 

“Maid” is also remarkable for its portrayal of Shawn, the abusive ex. We’ve seen movies in which the abuser is a horrid, despicable loser. When this is what a viewer sees, it’s easy for someone who hasn’t experienced domestic abuse firsthand to judge the character who is abused and assert their own superiority. 

 

I would have left after the first incident. 

I would never…

She’s so stupid. 

She should have…

 

I’ve heard these comments countless times as I’ve sat quietly in the lunchroom at work or during a coffee with friends. It always triggers that familiar refrain in my head: Why wasn’t I strong enough?

 

Yet Shawn is not a one-note villain. He’s even a sympathetic character. Over the course of the series, we can see why Alex would have fallen in love with him. There was something good between them before things went bad. It’s clear he still loves Alex and he’s a good dad to Maddy. He’s got his own demons and a difficult past, but he’s earnestly trying to be a better man. He’s even incredibly supportive of Alex as she tries to deal with her mother. For Alex, walking away and never looking back is an oversimplification of her options. As Maddy’s father, Shawn continues to have legal rights. Neither Alex nor Shawn grew up in stable homes with healthy adult relationships. They both want things to be different for their daughter.

 

I was mesmerized by the scenes involving Alex and Shawn. A few are inherently dramatic due to the plot but, more often, the exchanges are understated, strained by the normal emotions that come from a recent breakup. There’s more, of course. Alex must protect herself. Alex is cordial and even empathetic as she acknowledges his growth. But there’s a coolness and a firmness as well as she strives to maintain distance and boundaries. Shawn believes she’ll come around. They’ll make things work. Alex doesn’t play games. She’s direct and determined they will never be a couple again. 

 

Despite trying to be detached in watching the show, I came to let down my guard and allow myself to connect with Alex. Sometimes watching “Maid” triggered too much. Sometimes it made for a difficult evening, a restless sleep, and foggy morning after. Alex is a character I can identify with much more than depictions of cowering abused women with black eyes and pervasive meekness. (It’s always a woman, which brings up more issues of shame and worthlessness for me.) Yes, those portrayals are grounded in reality, too. If I felt trapped in a relationship in which my partner was a ticking time bomb, beating me with little lead-up, I’d look cowering and meek as well. If I couldn’t get away from that violent episode, I’d crouch and try to protect my body. 

 

Alex deals with emotional abuse as did I. Without smacks and slaps, it’s harder to tell when things have crossed the line. When does an intense argument become something graver? She doesn’t identify it as abuse in the beginning. Neither did I. (My psychiatrists’ unconcerned reactions only added after-the-fact confusion.) While Alex and Shawn share a child, I kept ties with my ex to allow him contact with our two dogs. People may judge me for that, but we were a childless gay couple and we both adored the dogs; they adored him, too. No one has ever been more important to me in my life than those schnauzers. Part of why I stayed so long was fear that he’d insist on having one of the dogs. I would never allow that, but I needed certainty they’d remain with me. 

 

Once I was free, I too had Alex’s strength. A friend who observed a couple of dog drop-offs between my ex and me remarked, “Man, you’re cold to him.” This friend didn’t know of the abuse. Yes, I was cold. Distance was essential. Like Shawn, my ex kept wanting us to get back together. I couldn’t allow a trace of warmth. I needed it to be clear: That will never happen.

 

“Maid” will help many persons who are or were in emotionally abusive relationships. It’s helped me see that the shame is his, not mine. The weakness was his, not mine. I know I will still teeter. I will slip back and blame myself. That nagging question, Why wasn’t I strong enough?, will creep back in at times. Now, at least, I have Alex and “Maid” as a reminder of how the best of people can fall into the worst of circumstances…and find a way out.