TEXTING NEXT TO NOTHING

Truth be told, I don’t think I’ve ever really adjusted to phones as texting devices. I liked when a phone only had one function. Hell, I even miss the old, clunky answering machines. They gave me something to look forward to when I got home. Red light blinking! A message! Intrigue, excitement,...at least until I’d play the message and hear the familiar pitch for me to get a subscription to The Fort Worth Star Telegram, back when people still counted on newspapers delivered to their door. I miss that, too.

We now communicate in the tiniest of phrases. Whereas I often used to leave a rambling message on an answering machine or, a decade ago, on voicemail, it now takes a series of one- or two-line texts to establish a basic communication. It’s eight to ten texts to lock down dinner arrangements. First, there’s the general inquiry, something breezy like “wanna eat”. No capital letter, no punctuation. Why overexert? Then there’s the back and forth over the place. This usually takes more texts than it should because my friends and I are overly polite, indecisive or maybe both.

How bout Heirloom or Nuba

sure either, or what’s that indian chinese fusion place on kingsway

green something. So Nuba then

let me google, i’ll get back to you

An hour later, the site is picked. Invariably, it’s none of the above. It’s one of our familiar pizza spots. Even that takes a few texts. Then there’s the day and time thing. In olden days when we dialed phone numbers and actually talked, things seemed to be more spontaneous. I’m hungry. Who wants to grab a bite? Now, a few days’ notice is required. It’s got to be calendared into the phone. Apparently everyone I know has a busier social life. (Really, they’re just more committed to Netflix.) The entire text exchange can span a good chunk of the day by the time the deal is sealed. Would’ve been a five minute phone call. Sigh.

It’s what I have to deal with if I want to keep my toe dipped in any semblance of a social life. Sometimes it leaves me romanticizing what it would be like to be a hermit. Another truth: I’m not far away from that. I manage to tolerate all this with friends. We know each other. Some of these relationships even stretch back to answering machine days.

It’s a different story when it comes to online dating.

Alan messaged me a week ago. Something profound like, “Hey, I like your profile.” (I doubt there were capitals or punctuation, but I was starting to have breathing problems. I miss the basics of the English language, too.) I clicked on his profile, hoping there’d be something I could comment on if I chose to reply, but there were two photos—one from a great distance so I can identify the beach easier than him—along with a few vague interests listed (“movies”, “food”) and an open comment box that he’d filled with five lines of “blah blah blah”. Literally!

And this is the best prospect in months…

I replied with, “Thanks for the message. How are you?” (At this point, I didn’t even have a name. It would take several messages and me asking point blank, “Hey, what’s your name?” before he became Alan.)

It took a few more online messages over a period of days before he posited the possibility of coffee and we made the transition to phone texting. Same level of depth.

Hey. How’s your day?

When he threw in an “lol” on one text, I knew I had to push for the coffee place, day and time. He was losing me.

Unfortunately, the day is four days away so now I’m still getting occasional check-in texts that do nothing to deepen what we know of each other.

Good morning James

How’s it going

Hope you’re having a fantastic evening

This from the guy I’ve seen in one photo. (I’ve disqualified the second.) This from someone who claims to like movies and food. A total stranger texting me “sleep well” doesn’t give me warm fuzzies.

We’ve got a face-to-face officially scheduled. Can’t we just wait? I don’t understand how random “Have a good day” and “U too” texts advance anything in the meantime. We still haven’t gotten past “blah blah blah” and I’m content to leave it at that until we meet at the cafe.

Maybe I’ll just power down my phone.